Nobody appreciates Meatloaf anymore (the singer, not the food)

Finally(!) a quality joke of the day again:
What did the man say when the doctor told him he had hypochondria?
“Not that as well!”

What’s the deal with Mariah Carey? Didn’t her career die like, 13 years ago? She’s in London right now promoting her oh-so-cleverly titled new album E=MC2. The flabbergasting thing, other than her sex appeal, is that this city is going bonkers over her. They swarm her wherever she goes and she’s getting special treatment at clubs and restaurants. Call me jealous of the celebrity lifestyle, but that is just ridiculous. I haven’t even heard her new single…is it good? Is it worthy of all this praise and attention? Or is it just more high-pitched squealing that sounds more like a dog whistle than music? (Apparently I’m moody these days and feel the need to take it out on the nearest catastrophe, in this case Mariah.)

Let’s play a game, shall we? Perhaps a game that will alienate me from my family members who read this, but a game nonetheless. Let’s play Do, Dump, or Marry - Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and John McCain. For those of you not familiar with this game, the rules are simple. You choose which person you would do (i.e. have sex with), marry (i.e. live your life with), and dump (i.e. dump). Before I give you my final answer, I’ll weigh out the pros and cons for each “candidate” (ha!).

Do
Hillary Pros: She is energetic beyond belief; Bill has probably taught her some great tricks; her pants suits would make for a good strip tease
Hillary Cons: The bulging eyes; menopause; STD’s
Obama Pros: Good ears to hold on to; …I’d never go back
Obama Cons: Weird, thin lips; tendency to spontaneously shout “Yes we can!”
McCain Pros: Viagra
McCain Cons: Chance of death; what is that, a goiter?

Marry
Hillary Pros: Friends with celebrities; I would never have to worry about being in charge of things because SHE WOULD ALWAYS TAKE CONTROL; I could cheat and still not be slapped with divorce papers
Hillary Cons: Ohmygod that voice; all disposable income would be spent on hairspray
Obama Pros: Friends with even cooler celebrities; he’d probably write great love letters if they’re anywhere near as good as his speeches
Obama Cons: Our families wouldn’t get along (you know how blacks and Jews are); he would make me look even shorter; Lisa Obama doesn’t really roll off the tongue
McCain Pros:
McCain Cons: What is that, a goiter?

In conclusion…
Do – John McCain
Marry – Barack Obama
Dump – Hillary Clinton

*music – hey remember that month when I only ate boxes of tangerines, so cheap and JUIcy