Crowded supermarkets at 5:45 pm

Yesterday's paper had a pretty lame joke. Good thing I talked to my sister on the phone and she gave me backup:
What do you say to someone on their 120th birthday?
Have a nice day!

I am sick. Which means the order of things on my priority list when I come home from work are: tea, sweatpants, blankets, sleep, blog. Therefore, it shall be another rude caption installment today. Please bear with me while I deal with a heinous cough and general crappiness. Your patience is appreciated.

3-2-1! Ready or not here I come! Oh, wait. Wait a minute. I'm caught. Can someone come and help untangle my shawl of hair? You know, I thought that if I grew my hair out I would no longer have to buy clothes and I could save up my money for that paraffin I've been wanting. This is totally backfiring.
Satan #1: Phew! We JUST made it past security. I don't know how they didn't catch us with our horns sticking through our hoodies.
Satan #2: I don't care, man. We made it to the line of holy-looking she-males and I call dibs on this one.
Satan #1: That's coo, that's coo. I'm just gonna hold this scale of mini-people for a bit while I think of exactly how I'm going to destroy this angel using only the whip end of my tail.

Frances: Wheeeee!!! Riding turtles are fun! Whoa, slow down Mr. Turtle! Don't make me pull back on your rein!
Mr. Turtle: There's a naked boy sitting on me with his grundle rubbing up against my shell. I am in HELL.
Back in the day, it was very hard to convince a naked woman to have sex with you. If you even made it past her flesh-eating monster-eel, you then had to deal with The Dreaded Skull Spikes. All in all, it was very cruel for them to walk around nude like that. Teases.