100% vested in nothing

Joke of the day: Why aren’t exit signs fashionable?
Because they’re on the way out.

Theresa sent me a card in the mail and on the back she wrote:
P.P.S. I’m standing in line at the post office on Milk Street. There are three people in front of me in line. I wonder how long it will take and if I’ll have enough room left on the card. Wait it’s my

I know what London is missing. It took me two and a half months to realize it, but probably only because I wasn’t actually missing it. Frat boys. London is pleasantly devoid of frat boys. I was in Soho at 2:30 am on a Thursday night waiting for a bus home and, had this been any American city, I would have been amongst a swarm of drunk 20-something boys yelling and projecting their false sense of manhood on the world in the form of hoots and hollers. But the only drunk people around me were boys in tight black jeans, kissing French couples, and girls with terrible mullets (all of whom were eating McDonalds). And maybe Soho isn’t exactly the London frat boy hangout, but I can’t even think of a place in the city where they would be (other than the bars that Prince Harry frequents). Ted has said that London is my type of city; a lack of frat boys is just one example of why he is so, so right.
(However, for every macho guy I didn’t see that night, I saw at least one police car screaming by. I don’t know what it was, but in the 30 minutes I had to wait for my goddamn bus, I must have seen no less than 20 police cars. What an unruly town!)

I read at least one London newspaper every day and I have been tempted to create a section of my email that recaps the horrific and/or surprising headlines (you would not believe how fucked up this city can be sometimes). Up until now I have resisted that urge because I thought maybe it wouldn’t be that interesting to read. But after Friday’s edition, I am left with no choice but to start a segment called London’s Crazy Headlines:
- Ken admits: I have 5 children by 3 women (Ken is the mayor of London)
- Eat biscuits and have tubby baby
- Head found on beach is immigrant
- Trapped in the Tube for 3 hours

I received a company email on Friday whose subject line was: “Work area privacy PDA awareness.” I eagerly opened it, but it wasn’t about what I thought it was going to be about.

Video to search for on YouTube: ‘She’s f-ing Obama’

Have you ever been on the phone and found yourself nodding to the person on the other end? Funny thing, actually. THEY CAN’T SEE YOU NODDING.

I feel the need to further prove how right I am about the undeserving hype surrounding Mariah Carey. I check a website called TheLondonist.com which informs me of all-things-London. I was happy to read they reported ‘Mariah Carey’s in town and everyone wants a piece of her. This Londonista just doesn’t get it.’

I successfully mortified my mother with my do, dump or marry game. I think it could have been a lot worse had I chosen to do Hillary.

Did you know that the London Underground started on January 10, 1863? That is SO LONG AGO! (Of course, even after 150 years they still manage to trap their passengers on a train for 3 hours.) I know that Boston has America’s oldest subway system, but the Tube blows that right out of the water. How did those proper British ladies fit into the seats with their big poofy dresses?!

You know what’s funny? When you’re talking to a voice-activated credit card 1-800 number and you cough and they think you’ve answered one of their stupid questions. “We’re sorry, that disgusting cough is not a valid answer.”

I asked the question “What’s in that pasty” in front of my mother when she was here and wasn’t even the slightest bit embarrassed. I think that’s sign #1 I’m getting used to London.