Rotten peas smell worse than you think

In the immortal words of Carole King, last night I felt the Earth move under my feet. This is how the experience unfolded:
(Lisa sits at her computer around 12:50 am when the room starts to shake)
Lisa #1: Whoa! What the hell is going on? Is that an earthquake?
Lisa #2: Don’t be an idiot. England doesn’t have earthquakes.
Lisa #1: Is it my downstairs neighbors having such vigorous sex that it’s not only shaking the walls but also the ceiling? Because that would be some sex.
Lisa #2: Probably not, you moron.
Lisa #1: Well what IS it then?
Lisa #2: I don’t know. It’s just gonna be one of those things that happens and you have to accept the fact that you will forever remain clueless.
Lisa #1: Oh you mean like how it was that Rachael Ray found someone to marry her or why I can raise my left eyebrow by itself but not my right one?
Lisa #2: Exactly.

Big thanks to Michelle for clarifying:
Porkies = porky pies = lies
+20 points for helping out an illiterate friend in need
-50 points for the reasoning behind the slang

I met even more South Africans last night. Here is what I have learned so far:
1. Kiff = awesome (i.e. ‘That barbecue was the kiffest party ever!’)
Jol = party (i.e. ‘That barbecue was the kiffest jol ever!’)
Braai (pronounced like the ‘bri’ in ‘brian’) = barbecue (i.e. ‘That braai was the kiffest jol ever!’)
2. People from South Africa love their country. Despite all the crime that goes on, South Africa always feels like home to them and when they are away, they miss it terribly. (The country, not the crime.)
3. There is a serious drop in the 18-27 population due to people up and leaving to live elsewhere around the world. Related to this, if you are South African and you move to London, you will meet more people here that went to your high school than you did back at home.
4. No matter how much you hear it, the South African accent is very hard to distinguish from a British or Australian accent. (I’m sure anyone who isn’t American will disagree with this.)
5. South Africans will lapse back into speaking Africaans while in the middle of a conversation. This will lead listening Americans to paranoia that the Saffas are talking about them. The laughing and pointing certainly doesn’t help matters.

Actual newspaper headline: Women Who Love Fat Blokes
Overheard in the office: It was mushroom risotto soup……I think.

British game show contestants have no ambition; it’s depressing. Here is the difference between Americans and Brits when the host asks how far up the money ladder they want to make it:
American answer
“Well Bob, I’d like to win a cajillion dollars.”
“But Sandy, that’s not even a real number.”
“I don’t care, Bob. I wanna win it and then I’m gonna spend it on a motorized toilet paper dispenser, velvet wine glasses, a trip to Canton Massachusetts, and a night out with my family at The Outback Steakhouse.”
British answer
“Well Nigel, I’d really like to win £100 so I can afford to pay for my dear old granny’s heart surgery, but if I leave with only £20, that’s wonderful too.”