Like a nun in a cucumber patch

I couldn’t help but notice that the supermarket sells delicious looking cookies that are called ‘digestives.’ I had resisted the urge to buy them because I was afraid they were packed full of fiber or laxatives and I’d be in the bathroom for most of the day. But after asking a couple people what the deal is, I was informed that they’re just regular cookies with a misleading name. I blame England for losing one month where I could have been eating this tasty treat.

The violin concert on Friday night was incredible. Okay, so maybe I fell asleep for a good portion of it, but you can’t blame me because the music was soothing and I was exhausted. Anyway, in the first half a viola player and a cellist joined the violinist on stage and they played a piece that sounded exactly like a soundtrack to an Alfred Hitchcock movie would sound…It was pretty intense. I was acting out the “film” in my head as well and had to cover my eyes when the lead actress was murdered by a flock of birds while taking a shower in a motel.

I think I had my first celebrity sighting Saturday night, but I could be mistaken. I was at dinner with Eric, Larry, and Jacqueline in a Polish restaurant in Kensington called Wodka. We were at vodka shot #4 when I looked out the window and thought I recognized Mika walking by with two friends. I didn’t know if it was him or not, so I made sure to keep an eye on the window to see if he eventually walked back the other way. Sure enough, after about an hour the three of them passed by again, but he hadn’t put on a shirt saying “Lisa, you thought right. I am Mika.” And so that’s why this is Possible Celebrity Sighting #1.

Paintball was awesome! Truth be told, I was pretty nervous about the whole thing; the only gun I’d ever fired was a water gun, and I’m not much for crawling around on the ground army style. I was lucky in that neither were 99% of the girls I was with. I think I was only shot about 4 times – in the chest, on my arm, on my thigh, and in the stomach. My favorite part was when I shot a girl right in the eye (obviously we were all wearing masks) and then stupidly stood up from behind my hiding spot and yelled “Woo hoo! I got her right in the eye! Yeah!” I was hit soon after that…

Anyway, here is a story that you will be sure to get a kick out of. The paintball manager dude was giving a prep-talk to everyone explaining the rules and what to expect. He told us that if your gun is hit with a paintball or a paintball hits you but doesn’t explode, it doesn’t count and you’re still “alive.” However if you are hit in the back with a paintball, you have probably just been shot by someone on your own team, most likely an American. Everyone had a good chuckle at this since most of them were British and South African, and Cass even pointed at me and gave an all-too-hearty laugh. I in turn responded with a fake hardy-har-har. Skip ahead to game #3 and my team is destroying the enemy. I notice a girl hiding behind a bushel of sticks and I know she doesn’t see me. So I aim and shoot at her. She then curses me and holds up her arm indicating her red armband yelling, “I’m on your team, you idiot!!!” We eventually win that round but I definitely lost because I had officially earned the nickname Friendly Fire. Way to perpetuate the American stereotype, Lisa…

Maybe it’s because I live in Boston where it would be considered blasphemous, but how in the world can someone not know the lyrics to Sweet Caroline??? Sunday night I went to the taping of Don’t Forget The Lyrics, a glorified karaoke gameshow where a contestant is prompted to complete a line of lyrics; But there’s a money ladder like Millionaire so there’s more than one round. The contestant last night, Nolan, made it through about three rounds (he ended up only winning 5000 GBP), when he gets to the Neil Diamond classic and he’s faced with ‘So now we look at the night And it don’t seem so __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __.’ He was pretty confident when he sang ‘lonely We build it up with only two.’ But since I’m the smartest person in the world, I was sitting there cringing thinking about what an idiot he was; I mean come on, that doesn’t even make sense. He uses a lifeline and brings his best friend on stage with him who also thinks it’s the right lyrics (this guy was even thicker than Nolan and insisted on doing his Elvis imitation no less than 6 times). Needless to say, Nolan lost (he said ‘build’ instead of ‘fill’). But here’s what’s funny about going to see a sub par gameshow: 1) The host is always some D list celebrity who maybe 5% of the population knows - in Britain’s case it was Shane Richie, apparently some soap star-turned-singer who had a #2 hit with ‘I’m Your Man,’ a song I didn’t recognize but wasn’t sad not to since it was terrible) and 2) Tou know that pause where they ask the judges/producers if the answer is right and there’s the tense moment of is it or isn’t it? Well in the taping, that moment is literally 20 seconds long. The first time we had to wait for the screen to turn green signifying a correct answer, the audience actually started laughing at loud at the absurdity of the pause.

So check your local listing for the last episode of the DFTL season. I’ll be the one in the third row with the green and blue striped shirt dancing terribly next to a dapper, yet tired looking, bald black man (K).