A day for groping

In celebration of a holiday that Jews all over the world observe but really shouldn’t, here is a last minute list of things you can do for your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse/other on Valentine’s Day (because I know more than a few of you are planning on going to CVS at lunch to buy a box of Russell Stover chocolates and then picking up a dozen roses at Kabloom on the way back and that is just unacceptable):

Also, please keep in mind that if any of these do not go over well and/or someone loses an eye, I cannot be held responsible…

- In true junior high fashion, make a mix cd. Try to only include love songs with a heartfelt message: Bette Midler’s “The Rose,” Bright Eyes’ “The First Day of My Life,” or The Righteous Brothers’ “Unchained Melody.” It’s best to stay away from songs such as Nelly Furtado’s “Promiscuous,” Akon’s “Smack That,” or The Divinyls’ “I Touch Myself.”

- Cook dinner. That’s right. I said it. Don’t just shell out $100 for a dinner that 30 other couples are also feasting on right next to you. That’s not special. What’s special is thinking of a dish you know your partner will love and then making it for them from scratch. I guarantee that even if they start choking on an olive pit that you accidentally forgot to remove, they will love it more than whatever Todd English was mass producing that night. Oh, and make sure there’s mood lighting, romantic music (go for something classic like Ella Fitzgerald) and candles on the table (I shouldn’t even have to tell you this).

- Make a scrapbook out of pictures that are just collecting dust (but don’t insist they take it to work to show everyone; that would be taking the express route to Singleville, population YOU).

- Write a poem; do not start it with the words “Roses are red, Violets are blue.” And no, it doesn’t have to rhyme. In fact, having it not rhyme is an easy way for you to write what you really feel about the person instead of trying to think of an adjective that both describes your love AND sounds like “thong.” Plus, it’ll make you seem artsier.

- Bake cookies or cupcakes and write appropriate or inappropriate things on them with icing. Feel free to individually wrap them in pink cellophane and hide them in your partner’s lunch bag; they will instantly become the most popular person at work.

- Send a dedication to them on the radio or in the newspaper or in the sky using one of those skywriting planes or even spray paint your message on a construction beam.

- If you insist on buying jewelry, inscribe something on it. There are lots of girls out there with that Tiffany heart necklace. Make her feel like she’s special (even if she’s not) with something meaningful written on it… “Two hearts, one soul, everlasting love” “Love is as priceless as this necklace” or the ever popular “Can we please have sex now?”

On the flip side, here is a list of things you CANNOT DO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES on Valentine’s Day:

- Propose
- Send an e-card (unless it’s to a friend, then it’s okay)
- Use a pre-written message from 1-800-FLOWERS on your delivered bouquet of roses
- Go dutch
- Break up
- Tell her that maybe she shouldn’t eat the entire box of chocolates in one sitting
- Insist on watching tv after dinner…or during dinner for that matter
- Buy a card and then only sign your name in it; you’re better than that, you can write an original message even if it’s something as simple as “I’m glad we’re together because being single today would really suck”

So there you have all my wise suggestions. Then again, I’m single yet AGAIN on February 14 so what the hell do I know?

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! (Except my Dad, my sister, and my brother-in-law. Then, just Happy Thursday!)