Approximately 100% of the time

They told me I couldn't bring my triton to go fishing. "You'll never catch any trout that way," they said. Oh really? Well how's this for you guys? Not only have I caught 4 trout and 2 bass, but I haven't taken this crown off in 37 hours. Not to mention my incredibly muscular thighs which I think simply intimidate the fish into dying for me.

You want to know my talent? I suppose it's a valid question for the Mr. Scotland pageant to pose. Let's see...where shall I begin? I know all Aaron Neville's songs by heart, I can ride a unicycle, I make a shepherd's pie that makes your mother's look like dog food, I rock this drum major hat like it's my friggin' job, I can dismantle and assemble my rifle in 97 seconds flat, I wear a size XXL kilt, cats fear me, I can say "Let down the drawbridge" in 5 different languages, I once recited Top Gun in its entirety, and I scored a 1370 on the SAT's. Is that enough for you, gentlemen? Now please hand me my tiara, I have a 4 o'clock trolley to catch.

I know I was paid 400 shillings to pose for this (What the hell is a shilling anyway? How many pints can I buy with 400 of them?), but I have a couple gripes. First of all, I have a no nudity clause. And, if I'm not mistaken, I do believe that's my right nipple showing. Second of all, my receding hairline isn't that bad, is it? You couldn't take some liberties with that and cut me some slack? And finally, I thought I was just holding a copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban for "scaling purposes." I didn't actually think you'd include it in the final sculpture!!! But this is still okay. I only have one request - change the name on the base of the sculpture from Kirk Cameron to Hume so people don't know it's me.
This is bullshit! I know the rules of war statues - a man on a horse with all 4 legs on the ground died at home, a man on a horse with one leg in the air was wounded in battle, and a man on a horse with only his rear legs on the ground died in battle. But what the HELL does it mean when there's a man sitting on a horse and his face is absolutely covered in bird shit and the horse is spotlessly clean? Are the birds targeting me? What did I ever do to them? For the love of all that is holy, it looks like I'm crying poo!
Cindy: You said 4:30!
William: You heartless wench, I told you I was working late and wouldn't be able to pick them up until 7!
Cindy: This is SO like you, William. Every time I have something to do and ask you to take care of the kids, you come up with some excuse and ruin everything!
William: Well maybe if you hadn't pushed for custody and acted like a total bitch in the courtroom we wouldn't be in this position!
Cindy: Don't blame me for this, William. Don't you DARE blame ME when I wasn't the one sleeping with my secretary.
William: Whatever, Cindy. Just give me Lucy and Joe. We're going to Chuck E. Cheese.