Just an FYI…Swiss Army Knives are sharp

Kimberly: Oh my God, Jessica! I just love when Marcos plays his tambourine!
Jessica: I knoooooooooooow! Come, let’s hold hands and dance the night away!
Kimberly: I’m so happy I could trample a naked child! Oh, but please don’t look at my fupa…I haven’t gone to the gym in like, forEVER!
Marcos: Hey everyone, look at me! I’m holding a tambourine and have the body of a pre-pubescent child!

Venus: Can someone please pass the fried chicken? I’m having some trouble over here. Little help, please? Come on, don’t stare...that’s just rude. Haven’t you ever seen a woman without any arms before? It’s because I’m topless too, isn’t it? Well I have news for you, buddy. Naked armless women have to eat too. Now pass the goddamn chicken before I bite your elbows.

Teddy bear fish with hands #1: Dude…can you believe we scored this gig?
Teddy bear fish with hands #2: I know, man. This rocks so hard. They’re NEVER gonna believe they picked us for Jesus’ foot pedestals.
Teddy bear fish with hands #1: I mean, I have an absolutely MASSIVE headache right now but I don’t even care. It’s Jesus! And he’s standing on our heads! We are gonna get so much ass at the bar tonight!

First of all, I want to talk to the sommabitch who assigned me to this cranny. I haven’t been able to feel my left leg in 2 hours, my moustache is getting out of control, the only shirt they had left in wardrobe was a wool vest (with no undershirt I might add), and my ax is dangerously close to my left nipple. And at this point, I don’t even remember what I’m a lookout for…grave robbers? Robin Hood? Protestants? Fuck this. I’m joining the union.

My dad would like for you to come up with a caption to this photo. I took it at the Kew Gardens this past weekend and he thought it was funny the way it looks like he’s holding the building (I have no idea what the building is). He wants me to offer the winner of this contest an all-expenses-paid trip to a nudist colony in Greenland, but according to my mother, I shouldn’t do that because “someone will take her up on that offer.” So the best I can offer you is praise in tomorrow’s blog. So have at it.