William Makepeace THACKERAY

No matter how much Splenda you put in it, a Parisian cup of espresso will always be insanely potent.


Also potent? Theresa drinking wine out of a plastic cup before 9 am.

The pig looks worried. Understandably so.

Crowded supermarkets at 5:45 pm

Yesterday's paper had a pretty lame joke. Good thing I talked to my sister on the phone and she gave me backup:
What do you say to someone on their 120th birthday?
Have a nice day!

I am sick. Which means the order of things on my priority list when I come home from work are: tea, sweatpants, blankets, sleep, blog. Therefore, it shall be another rude caption installment today. Please bear with me while I deal with a heinous cough and general crappiness. Your patience is appreciated.

3-2-1! Ready or not here I come! Oh, wait. Wait a minute. I'm caught. Can someone come and help untangle my shawl of hair? You know, I thought that if I grew my hair out I would no longer have to buy clothes and I could save up my money for that paraffin I've been wanting. This is totally backfiring.
Satan #1: Phew! We JUST made it past security. I don't know how they didn't catch us with our horns sticking through our hoodies.
Satan #2: I don't care, man. We made it to the line of holy-looking she-males and I call dibs on this one.
Satan #1: That's coo, that's coo. I'm just gonna hold this scale of mini-people for a bit while I think of exactly how I'm going to destroy this angel using only the whip end of my tail.

Frances: Wheeeee!!! Riding turtles are fun! Whoa, slow down Mr. Turtle! Don't make me pull back on your rein!
Mr. Turtle: There's a naked boy sitting on me with his grundle rubbing up against my shell. I am in HELL.
Back in the day, it was very hard to convince a naked woman to have sex with you. If you even made it past her flesh-eating monster-eel, you then had to deal with The Dreaded Skull Spikes. All in all, it was very cruel for them to walk around nude like that. Teases.

Just an FYI…Swiss Army Knives are sharp

Kimberly: Oh my God, Jessica! I just love when Marcos plays his tambourine!
Jessica: I knoooooooooooow! Come, let’s hold hands and dance the night away!
Kimberly: I’m so happy I could trample a naked child! Oh, but please don’t look at my fupa…I haven’t gone to the gym in like, forEVER!
Marcos: Hey everyone, look at me! I’m holding a tambourine and have the body of a pre-pubescent child!

Venus: Can someone please pass the fried chicken? I’m having some trouble over here. Little help, please? Come on, don’t stare...that’s just rude. Haven’t you ever seen a woman without any arms before? It’s because I’m topless too, isn’t it? Well I have news for you, buddy. Naked armless women have to eat too. Now pass the goddamn chicken before I bite your elbows.

Teddy bear fish with hands #1: Dude…can you believe we scored this gig?
Teddy bear fish with hands #2: I know, man. This rocks so hard. They’re NEVER gonna believe they picked us for Jesus’ foot pedestals.
Teddy bear fish with hands #1: I mean, I have an absolutely MASSIVE headache right now but I don’t even care. It’s Jesus! And he’s standing on our heads! We are gonna get so much ass at the bar tonight!

First of all, I want to talk to the sommabitch who assigned me to this cranny. I haven’t been able to feel my left leg in 2 hours, my moustache is getting out of control, the only shirt they had left in wardrobe was a wool vest (with no undershirt I might add), and my ax is dangerously close to my left nipple. And at this point, I don’t even remember what I’m a lookout for…grave robbers? Robin Hood? Protestants? Fuck this. I’m joining the union.

My dad would like for you to come up with a caption to this photo. I took it at the Kew Gardens this past weekend and he thought it was funny the way it looks like he’s holding the building (I have no idea what the building is). He wants me to offer the winner of this contest an all-expenses-paid trip to a nudist colony in Greenland, but according to my mother, I shouldn’t do that because “someone will take her up on that offer.” So the best I can offer you is praise in tomorrow’s blog. So have at it.

There's more where this came from

Compass on the Eiffel Tower.


The ginormous Notre Dame Cathedral.


This was some Paris street that I decided to stop in the middle of and capture. Luckily there were no cars coming.


I'm going to ask you one more time and then I'm going to get my stun gun. Who's naked picture of David Hasselhoff is this?!

Theresa and I had fun coming up with rude and inappropriate comments about Parisian statues. About this one Theresa said, "If he was Irish, I could totally tell you what was going to happen next."

Gay pareeeeee

Find the dog in this picture.

Someone should tell that man that the Mona Lisa is behind him. Idiot.

I had to lie down on the ground under the Eiffel Tower to get this picture. It was worth the humiliation.

Theresa made fun of me for looking out every window in the Louvre. But she's the silly one since she didn't get this picture.

I took this picture and then we broke out into an overly dramatic rendition of an Elton John song.

Why is it physically impossible for me to take a normal picture?

People have told me this in the past, but I think I'm taking it to a whole new level.

I think this is the most appropriate face to make at the Blarney Castle.

She was paying more attention to a computer game than to me, so I was forced to eat her head.

This was a cool setting on Theresa's camera. "My memory" will be about how I wish I didn't have that huge zit on my face.
The stairs at the Blarney Castle were treacherously insane. I don't know how fat American tourists travail them.

I made this face every time Theresa led me straight into traffic.

Paris pictures

Despite how awkward it looks with me semi-putting my arm around Theresa, we had an awesome time in Paris. This picture was taken by the ditzy American girls.

This was us before we climbed the Eiffel tower.

This was us after we climbed the Eiffel tower.

This is me rocking out to the tower.

I should have looked happier in this picture since I had just eaten a delicious cheese sandwich on a baguette. I'm pretty sure I ate 5 pounds of butter that trip.

I love Paris in the wintertime

“The blacks love me here.” That, my friends, was said by one Theresa Burton at the Church of the Sacred Heart in Paris after a man started talking to her from afar, probably in hopes of securing some kind of monetary compensation. But it wasn’t just “the blacks” who loved her – it was the whites, the sandwich sellers, the strange men looking for internet cafes, the families from St. Louis, and the ditzy American girls on holiday from studying in Rome. My mom has two rules in life that are repeated to me whenever I go out of the house: Don’t talk to strangers and Put paper down. I can’t say for sure about the latter, but Theresa loves disobeying the former.

Paris. Was. Awesome. I’d been there twice before, but apparently I was too immature and stupid to appreciate it for the beautifully amazing city it is. Sure, I still don’t know how to say ‘Can I have your ticket stub’ in French and continue to freak out when crossing the huge rotary that is the Concorde, but I think this trip was one of my favorites ever. I have a million stories naturally, but I’ll try to highlight the most fun ones…

- Theresa has a propensity for falling. We weren’t in Paris 10 minutes before she fell down and cracked her elbow. That’s when I started keeping track of near-falls for the rest of the week. At the time of writing this on the train home, the tally is at 8.
- Number of trips to Sephora in 2 days to put on lip gloss, eye shadow, and to spray perfume: 6
- Number of crepes eaten in 2 days: 5 (feta and spinach; egg, tomato, tuna; Nutella; Nutella and banana; chocolate sauce and vanilla ice cream)
- Number of steps we climbed on the Eiffel Tower: 600 something
- Number of steps it felt like we climbed on the Eiffel Tower: One bazillion
- Number of 12 year old French girls rapping and belly dancing on the Metro for money: 1
- I was shushed by Theresa at Notre Dame for being loud and obnoxious.
- Oh, and I almost walked into a plate glass door. Whatever.

(Theresa would like me to mention that she doesn’t mean to offend anyone with the “blacks love me here” comment.)

So that is a very brief overview of the last 2 days. Feel free to ask me about the man/woman in the shiny hat, silliness at the Eiffel Tower, inappropriate comments at the art museums, my 2 near-heart attacks, pet stores, and ticket adventures at the Louvre.

As for me, I’m off to Ireland now with Susan. (And because I know you’re wondering…No, I don’t actually do any work.) I’ll be back towards the end of the week with more shenanigans for you.

Here’s something to leave you with….
Said by Theresa on the Tube back from the London train station: “We did our top 5 moments of Paris before that lady walked into the wall, right?”