Don't even get me started on burping in public

I don't understand mouth-breathers. First of all, I don't know if it's even hyphenated. Mouth breathers. Mouth-breathers. Hmm. I suppose it doesn't matter because if you're a mouth breather, you're probably so low on the food chain that you don’t know either.

There are only a handful of situations where breathing through your wide-open mouth is acceptable. I will detail them for you:
- You have a sinus infection and cannot breathe through your nose because it is filled with snot.
- Someone has just told you that they've been sleeping with somebody else for the past 5 years and can you please sign these divorce papers.
- You are running a sub 6:00 mile.
- You have a date in 5 minutes and you need to check with your best friend if you're good to go or if you need to gargle with Listerine first.

And that's pretty much it. If you think there's another viable option but it's not on the above list, it’s not a viable option. Close your mouth.