David Crosby's love child

Hampton Palace. I'm looking into a timeshare. Who's with me?

The Goat Major pub in Cardiff. Seriously. Who thinks of these pub names? Do they have a brainstorming session with a bunch of drunk dudes and one douchebag in the corner (who clearly has had some intimate moments with livestock) slurs, "Waitaminute, waitaminute, waitaminute. Whattabout this? The Goat Major. Right? (burp) People'll luv it." And then, because no one else thought of anything better, that's what they went with.

There were dragons everywhere around the city of Cardiff. You can't get a cuppa without being reminded that "Hey...dragons are on the loose."

You and your pussycat nose

Okay, where’s the fight? I’m ready to kick some ass! I’ve got my Wales flags comin’ out BOTH my ears, I’m daintily holding my sword, and I can’t see for shit. Bring ‘em on! Wait a tic…why am I in a souvenir shop? There ain’t any Romans here…

Daughter: Mommy!
Mom: Don’t worry, it’s only a picture of Tom Jones, not actually Tom Jones.
Daughter: His tight pants scare me!
Mom: I know, dear. I know.
Edith: I love your skirt, Gertrude.
Gertrude: Oh thanks, deary. I got it at the Oxfam shop up the street. Only cost me two quid. Are those new pants you’re wearing?
Edith: No, they’re old. But I pulled them up a little bit higher today for the Prince’s parade. Louise, why don’t you stand up straight?
Louise: I am standing up straight! What do you want from a little old lady who has no neck? Ooh, ooh! Here he comes, here he comes!
Gertrude: That Prince Harry is so fine, I tell you. Maybe if he looks this way as he passes by he’ll notice my skirt and give me a hug.
Louise: Bollocks! If he’s going to notice anyone, it’s going to be me. Just look at how many jackets I’m wearing!
Edith: My dentures are too big for my mouth and my face is stuck in a perpetual smile. I’m in pain.

Check it out, it’s the actual magazine! (Okay, maybe I’m a little obsessed with Notting Hill.)

This was an actual book (as opposed to a hologram or something) I found at one of the antique stores in the Cotswolds. I didn’t peruse through it so I can’t elaborate on the kinds of food a hungry monk would eat, but if I had to guess, I’d say Doritos, Twinkies, and Hot Pockets.

Save the Wales

This t-shirt was almost too hilarious to pass up. I took a picture instead. After all, I wouldn't want someone looking at me wearing this shirt and thinking I was serious about any of these principles. (Especially #4)


This sign reads 'WHEN RED LIGHT SHOWS WAIT HERE WHEN GREEN LIGHT SHOWS TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS'

Aaaaaaaahhhh!!! More flowers!!!!

Sir Alun Booth (check out the award-winning facial hair). I do believe he's saying, "And over there you will see a sheep wearing ass-less chaps."

Despite the imminent threat of a dragon attack, Wales is a pretty country.

I am an unhealthy (i.e. unattractive) shade of pale

Saturday afternoon I was surrounded by about 10,000 large, bald, drunk, enthusiastic men. I’m sure there are many places you’re thinking I was, not limited to - the Independence Mall in Kingston, a Wolk family reunion, the International Burping Competition (oh MAN, what if that were an actual thing?!), and a Rammstein concert. Unfortunately you would be wrong on all accounts, for my friends, I was in Cardiff, Wales. Little did my tour guide know that there would be some massive rugby competition taking place at the stadium downtown. And I’m not just talking one team versus another; something was going down with ALL the Rugby League teams since faces were painted every color of the rainbow (not in an actual rainbow…that’s a different gathering).

Our Cardiff tour guide was literally a Welshman we picked up on the side of the road. Granted, we planned to meet him there, but still. Side of the road. That pretty much sums up his eccentric personality. His name is Alun Booth and he talked for about 20 minutes explaining the in and outs of the Welsh alphabet and how the ‘u’ is pronounced like an ‘i’ so his name still sounds like “Alan.” (At one point he also said “It’s take-your-clothes-off weather.” This would have been okay had it not been said by a 70 year old man.)

Right. So Cardiff. There’s a castle. There’s a pedestrian mall with a KFC, Starbucks, Next, and Quiksilver store. There’s one of those mini merry-go-rounds with a child sitting on a double decker bus looking more nauseous than jovial. Most of the teenagers wear makeup (both male and female) and black clothing. It rains. There are dragons everywhere. And the signs are all in Welsh and English. Oh, and the tuna pasta salad they sell at the grocery store? Its onions are way too potent.

I would write more about what I saw in this other UK country, but eh. It wasn’t all that exciting in person and so to make it exciting just by using words would be like trying to describe how amazing all my camera, phone, and computer cords look on my desk.