I will be scolded for this entry.

I'm teaching my Mom how to use iTunes. I'm mainly doing this so that she can listen to all the podcasts I love and get her back to listening to NPR. (One of my favorite memories growing up was listening to All Things Considered on the kitchen radio while my Mom made salmon latkes or shepherd's pie or spaghetti and meatballs.) Steve Jobs and the rest of the people at Apple have done a very good job of keeping things simple and easy for their product users. But apparently, not easy enough for a 50-something woman who refuses to get an actual pet but fills her South Beach condo with metal, plastic, and stuffed animals to which her husband assigns names like Rusty (a metal dog), Pelly (a stuffed pelican), or Doug (a ceramic fish..."doug" is the phoenetic way of saying "fish" in Hebrew).

We're talking on the phone while I'm at work the other day....I mean.....we're talking on the phone the other day after I spent a long, grueling day filling out spreadsheets and TPS Reports....and I'm walking her through the steps of downloading iTunes, populating her music library, showing her how to log on to the iTunes Store, and assuring her that just because she has downloaded iTunes that her songs will NOT disappear from her WinAmp. Progress is being made. All her songs are now in her iTunes music library (though she's unsure of what some of them are and is hands down CONVINCED that Apple has furtively downloaded Middle Eastern sounding artists onto her computer without her knowledge) and I've successfully instructed her how to find podcasts online. But when I tell her to download NPR's weekly hilarious quiz show "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me," she says "No. It's too liberal." Something tells me she won't be subscribing to Obama's speeches podcast..... And yet, I somehow managed to coerce her into downloading The Onion's video podcast. Weird.

I tease my Mom about her (lack of) tech savviness, but she's actually pretty good about picking stuff up. She even emailed me that night to tell me that she really likes the streaming radio on iTunes, which I didn't even tell her about. Who knows if she'll continue to use iTunes (I will have to secretly uninstall WinAmp the next time I'm in Miami) or, gasp, attempt to put the new podcasts on her mp3 player like I told her to, but I'm glad she's at least open to trying something new. My father, however, is a different story. There is no hope for him. How can there be when his biggest computer accomplishment, according to my mother, is that "he Googles things now." I've also heard that 90% of his emails disappear. He'll be typing and then, from the other room, my Mom will hear "Janet! It disappeared again!"

I feel like there's a huge untapped market for technology targeted towards old people. (I'm not saying you're old, Mom.) But it can't require more than three mouse clicks. And it can't take longer than 10 seconds to boot up. And it can't ever break. Or run out of batteries. Or cuss. Or show nudity. Or support Democrats.

Not the best format, but I'm working on it

So, if I could do this right, or if I knew how to copy a screenshot on this computer, these four pictures would be all in a line. But alas, you'll just have to use your imagination.

Anyway, here are my cats. Spelling out my name.

Where is the friggin' double click on this mother?

Here's what I like about twitter.  I can post "heh heh hehn knitting" (CLEARLY a reference to Pee Wee's Big Adventure) and all of a sudden I will get an email telling me that Nancy Queen is now following my tweet.  Turns out, Nancy Queen is somewhat of a knitting freak and probably tags words like "crochet" "knit" "old grannies" and "fibercon" in any and all tweets.  Maybe I'll post some fake updates just for her.  Something along the lines of "Just finished my 47th hat; this has got to be a one day record!"  Or maybe "Has anyone successfully crocheted a g-string?  My mom's birthday is tomorrow and I'm screwed!"

Life advice #89:  If you make lentils with a lot of garlic and then put them in the fridge for leftovers, your entire fridge will soon smell like an anti-vampire convention (or at least I can only assume).  Needless to say...don't do that.

Tonight I opened a brand new Sweatin' to the Oldies.  This was one of the originals.  The VHS was still in the plastic wrapping and the fatties on the front were wearing acid washed jeans.  Totally retro, totally awesome.  It's just too bad that I can't figure out how to get my living room VCR working.  So now my only choice is to watch it on my bedroom tv while I fall asleep.  I'm pretty sure only bad things can happen when entering REM at the same time Richard Simmons is yelling at you to firm your ass cheeks.  

One of these days I will either fall off the treadmill whilst running or, after stepping off the treadmill, I will be so dizzy and discombobulated that I will stumble into someone else's crotch while they're on the elliptical.  Either way the gym will become verrrrrry awkward after that.  I'll keep you posted.

Is Steve Wozniak still single?

I don't even have my new MacBook at home yet (it's still at the Apple store where all my music, pictures, and porn are being transferred on), but already I'm becoming an annoying Mac person. All I do is look up applications and widgets to download once I get it. I have decided that I will need daily sunrise and sunset times for every location in the world, 4 different versions of Freecell, a simulated rollercoaster ride, a demo version of Jeopardy, Passport Photo Studio which will allow me to take and print my own passport photo, 2 jigsaw puzzle games, and the Urban Dictionary word of the day. Will I use any of these things? Probably one of the Freecell games. And maybe I'll give Jeopardy a whirl, but I can definitely see myself giving up after completely bombing on the World History category.

I won't shut up about all the wonderful things iWork can do. But really - how often will I use a Yard Sale template or a keynote presentation? I mean, I could make a slammin' keynote file for Walter about how the kitchen sink is not an appropriate place to urinate blood, but I'm guessing he just won't listen nor appreciate it. I haven't spent the $49 yet on this software, but I'm going to download the free trial and see if I like it. My other option is to download Neo Office, the Mac version of Open Office. And while I'm sure this will more than do the job for standard word and excel type of applications, there's just something about iWork that is calling out to me and begging me to purchase it.

I'd say the thing I'm most excited about with my new Mac is the iMovie feature. I've (clearly) never made a movie. But now that I have some great software that is so user friendly, I think I'm going to make a movie about everything I can. Potential topics: 1) A documentary on the dude who works at the library - Why is he so quiet? Why does he cross his legs like that? Is he 25 or 45? Why does he print out the receipt every time for me when he sees me go outside and immediately throw it in the trash can? 2) A Fight Club montage of Harvey pummelling Walter. (Seriously. You should see these guys wrassle.) 3) A birthday movie for my Mom complete with clips of me perusing JDate.com, using coupons at CVS, calling Nana to say hello, and taking down the picture she hates of her and my Dad where she's not wearing makeup.

Irregardlessly of what I make my movies about, you can be sure that I will (at least try to) embed them in this blog. So get ready. My new MacBook will benefit everyone.

Have I mentioned I'm excited???

Where am I even going with this thing?

I've only written about 6 entries since I got back from London. Apparently I was bored enough in London to write an amusing couple of paragraphs each day. And now that I'm back in Boston, I've been distracted with things like pissing cats, fixing my surround sound home theater, creating excel spreadsheets to adequately track overtime, joining a gym and figuring out how to make my arms look more toned without injuring myself, stealing the Wall Street Journal every day, buying awesome new Merrell shoes, remembering that Nip/Tuck is on at 10 pm every Tuesday night, and making trips to the bathroom at work with Theresa when I only have to go 50% of the time.

I miss writing. I don't miss stressing out that it's 11:30 pm and I haven't written my daily entry yet and oh my God I'm totally gonna let everyone down. But I do want to start writing again on a more consistent basis. I think it makes me a better person since, if I weren't writing, I'd just be watching another episode of the Food Network Challenge. And I swear...whoever does the program scheduling at the Food Network should be shot. Because the 7 pm timeslot is like, so amazingly precious, and they are fucking it up by putting a shitty show like that in there. Sure, I watch it. But not because I like it; I watch it because I need something to entertain me while I make my Kraft macaroni and cheese and the people on Wheel of Fortune are dolts.

Sometimes I make a deal with God in my head. I tell him that I will give him $1,000 if he can make my body instantly look like that Biggest Loser trainer, Jillian's, body. But then I realize that once I have that body, I would probably lose all its definition in about a week ('cause of, you know, candy). So I call off the deal.

Ted posed an interesting question at the Celtics game the other day. He asked if I would pay $1,000 to take a free throw shot. If I make it, I win $1,000,000. I can't remember if I said yes or no. My current answer would be 80% yes, 20% no. Which isn't really an answer at all.

Meowr

I have two cats. I named them Harvey and Walter. When I chose those names, I didn't realize I had a cousin Harvey whose father's name was Walter. I just chose them because they were awesome old man names.
(Harvey is currently lying on top of Walter. I'm not exaggerating. He is lying horizontally on top of him. I'm actually quite worried about this since he weighs a staggering 13 pounds (he's not even 1 year old) and Walter weighs probably 6 pounds soaking wet. I'll keep you updated on the situation.)
Anyway, so yeah. Cats. They're pretty good to have, I reckon. They'll curl up with you when you're watching your fourth straight episode of Law and Order SVU. They'll lick your eyelids at 5:15 am because hey, it's time to get up already, you lazy ass. They'll preen and groom each other and you will wonder what kind of wonderful world we would live in if humans treated each other with that level of care. And they will wrestle with each other, occasionally doing stunts that are all too reminiscent of Keanu Reeve's mid-air attacks in The Matrix.
(Walter has become fed up with the extra poundage lying on top of him and has maneuvered his way out of the body hold. I don't think Harvey even noticed.)
But you know...cats can also suck. They can contract UTIs and pee on your bed, in your bathroom sink, in a stray cardboard box, on your bathroom floor, in their cat carrier, and in your bathtub all in a matter of 45 seconds (2 drops in each location). At first you might be annoyed by this seeing as how washing a comforter every night of your life isn't the most relaxing chore. But then you will realize that maybe you shouldn't get pissed every time you come home to your apartment and find a yellow puddle in the middle of your pillow. Because your kitties are sick. And they're probably either in pain or very uncomfortable. And you should go and hug them.
In conclusion, cats are fun. Urine-filled, but fun.